My fellow Reds fans,
This afternoon, at approximately 3:52 PM, Todd Frazier, a true American patriot, went on the offensive and launched an atomic bomb against the soverign entity of the Chicago Cubs.
It was a gruesome but necessary tactic. It was ugly. There were casualties; but the strike resulted in the surrender of the Cubs and ended the 10 day, multi-National League ground assault against our homeland, Great American Ball Park.
The last 10 days have, at times, tested our resolve as Reds fans. We have questioned the battle plan. There have been near mutinous uprisings in our midsts against our General, Dusty Baker. We have debated the formation of the infantry. We have watched in suspense while our brave players sacrificed for the greater good. Sacrificed bunts. Sacrificed fly balls.
Our brave men lost a couple of battles to a couple of lesser equipped enemies but remained dilligent to win the war. Let there be no mistake; we live in the greatest country in all of Major League Baseball. Reds Country!
After the dust settled today and the Reds emerged victorious, I am proud to report that the state of the stadium is… strong.
Today’s winning effort, in the often dreadful conditions of Cincinnati weather, put the cap on a 10 game home stand in which our beloved Redlegs finished at 8-2. Just as hitters are taught to protect the plate, the Reds Department of Homeland Security protected the integrity of GABP. Although the victory is still fresh, there is little time for reflection or celebration because the trek ahead is long and arduous. With the homeland in tact, The Reds immediately embark for a march on Washington…
Gird your loins, Nasty Nats, for the mighty, mighty Reds advance to give you battle.
There can be but one champion.