Each year hundreds of thousands, yea millions of people make a list of resolutions they would like to institute in the new year. Some want to lose a few pounds, others attempt to stop smoking. Drunkards wish to stop drinking and cussers (if it’s not a word I made it up) want to stop cussing.
They all start out with the best of intentions. Self-improvement is an arena that everyone should leap into at some time or other. It is too bad that most have little to no success with the endeavor. “According to surveys, only 8 percent of Americans successfully achieve their New Year’s resolutions so 92% are not kept. 80 percent of those who make New Year resolutions have failed by Jan. 20.” That morsel of information was found on the internet, so it has to be true…Bonjour baby Bonjour.
Professional athletes and managers are not exempt from higher aspirations. With that in mind I bring you my list of New Year resolutions for one Dusty Baker, manager of the Cincinnati Reds. These resolutions are not in any order, I just make ‘em up as I go along. Here we go.
Baker has to promise to stop letting anyone with an OBP of .250 or less bat first in his lineup. Last season Drew Stubbs carried an OBP of .237 while batting leadoff. Shortstop Zack Cozart wasn’t far ahead of him at only .262. Both are completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Be strong in your (or my) resolution Mr. Baker.
He must either stop or cut way down on chewing toothpicks. I am a hillbilly from West Virginia, the stereotypical toothpick brandisher, yet I am completely void of that habit. I think he has been put on notice by the ITHA (Independent Tree-Huggers of America). Believe me you don’t want those guys on your back. So Dusty, please leave the wood-gnawing to Beavers and the like, unless you are auditioning for the position of mascot for Oregon State.
Baker needs to set a limit on the amount of pitchers used in a nine inning game. How about nine? Rule of thumb here. No more pitchers than innings played. I know it sounds easy to do, but when you bring in Loogy’s and Roogy’s (just made that one up) they add up fast. Just ask your arch-nemesis Tony.
He must stop worrying about the old ‘left-right-left’ batters in the heart of the lineup. That is so 1926. It worked pretty well for Ruth and Gehrig. If it worked well for them there must be something to it, even though Loogy’s were still only a gleam in their daddy’s eye. The way it will be now is fine: Joey Votto, Ryan Ludwick and then Jay Bruce. But don’t freak out if you need to make a change later.
Despite all sentiment and proclivity to do so, resolve not to sit Todd Frazier in lieu of Scott Rolen if he decides to play in 2013. I know that will be extremely difficult for you to do, but hey you aren’t encouraging him to return as a player. Are you? Another year on the back of his baseball card like last year will solidify his possible Hall of Fame career as a non sequitur. Face it, at best he is on the fence right now. The dark forces that expel great careers to the Hall of Very Good better known as Darth BBWAA need no help in their scurrilous behavior.
Now if Baker can do those things, I am of the opinion that the Reds can go all the way in 2013. Not all the way to the Central Division crown, all the way to the National League pennant and a World Series Trophy as well.
Have a great 2013 all of you.